On Longing

Notes on Nostalgia

"What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness." - John Steinbeck

"The souvenir speaks to a context of origin through a language of longing."

Persistance, hard work, and perfection are three characteristics young gymnasts learn to value. Work ethic is rewarded with results, and perfection is always just a few steps ahead. As a kid, I centered my energy on floor rounties, new skills, and performance in the gym. Now that I am older (and very much retired) I am left with the souvenir of perfectionism and high expectations. I still feel the longing for success, but instead of the top of a podium, I set my sights on new opportunties.

"The souvenir exists as a sample of the now distant experience that only the object can evoke."

These polariods are the first pictures my boyfriend and I have together. These were taken the summer that we met, and at the time we were just friends. Unaware of my feelings for the new addition to our friend group, another one of my friends snapped the picture on the right. After she handed us that picture to see, she caught our reactions with the picture on the left. At the time they were taken, I was terrified that the pictures would ruin the platonic facade I was trying to uphold. Now, I look at them with kinder eyes and the comfort of knowing how things worked out. Unfortunately, despite our numerous attempts, neither my boyfriend nor I have been able to get the physical copies back from my old friend.
This picture of pictures is now our only reminder of that distant experience.

"The place of origin must remain unavailable in order for desire to be generated."

Being born and raised in the Natural State has trained me to seek out the freshest air. Even on cold December mornings like the one in this picture, I will take any opportunity to find a healthy dose of nature and immerse myself. While I love living in Florida, my living situation and schedule makes it more difficult to escape to a more natural, peaceful place like the ones I love in Arkansas. In my most stressful times, I am nostalgic for the cold air and rocky ground, and it is difficult to shake my desire to go home so I can do this hike again.

"Nostalgia cannot be sustained without loss."

My parents always taught me and my sisters to share. We may have grown out of our glasses and our braided pigtails, but forehead-to-forehead, my little sister and I still haven't grown out of sharing. It is not until I see pictures like these that I realize just how much time has passed. In my mind, even from a thousand miles away, we are still two young kids waiting to share our next milkshake. 

"The souvenir reduces the public, the monumental, and the three-dimensional into the miniature, that which can be enveloped by the body. "

This is one of the many screenshots I have from my senior year in highschool. My friends and I were months away from graduating, but they were living in boxes on my screen. I had never felt so detatched from my life and my future. The pandemic impacted everyone differently, and I watched the group I was closest to quietly divide and disperse. I remember realizing what was happening and frantically taking a screenshot in the hopes of protecting the memory of when we were all "together". It was strange to suddenly have every social interaction enveloped by the bounds of my laptop screen, but its even stranger how nostalgic I can be when I look back at that point in my life.